i didn't love it as much as you did

When I asked my friend if I could borrow her copy of the book she looked at our other friend and they both went silent. 

My sister had recently been diagnosed with cancer and they didn't think i should read it. But i did anyways.

I didn't find it all that sad. 

I didn't even cry when i watched the movie. 

maybe its because I'm numb to it now. maybe its because i don't have sympathy for those who get so much attention for having cancer. maybe its because I'm bitter.

whatever reason it wasn't my favorite book, but it had its moments.

This is me.

This is it. 

This is me. 

I remember starting the semester and having to choose a pen name. I remember not wanting to tell anyone what I chose because I thought it was stupid so I changed it. 

I remember spending all my spare time reading the blogs but that shortly faded as people stopped caring and as I became too busy. I remember writing my posts the day they were assigned rather then the day they were due and they were always so much better.

I really like this class and if you really knew me then that would come as a surprise because I've always hated English classes. 

If you really knew me you would know I'm picky. And you would know how I hate the question "do you play sports?" 

You would know my friends call me mom. I don't know if that's a good thing or not but they say it's because I'm responsible. I say I hate it but secretly I like it. It shows how much they think of me. I'll probably never say that again, but thank you. Thank you for caring. 

If you really knew me you would know that I'm shy, I hate talking in class, and I hate people reading what I write, but this class made me do all of this and I loved it  

If you really knew me you would know my sister was diagnosed with Leukemia in March. You would know that she's only 4 and you would know that she is why I chose my name. She is my inspiration. 

If you really knew me you would know how hard it is for me to open up. 

Even if you knew me you wouldn't know my family is struggling financially. You wouldn't know why I can't have sleepovers. And you wouldn't know why I care so much because I don't even know. 

You wouldn't know because I don't tell anyone. 

I guess you know now. 

You might know that my dad has chronic pain and we can't figure out why. You might even know that I have a birthmark on my left arm. If you were wondering, it isn't a burn. 

So, let me reintroduce myself. 

Hi, I'm Samantha Raven 

Now you know the real me. 

This is me. 

Oh and Nelson,

thanks for the memories. This class has inspired me to be better. 

xoxo caroline 

I remember everything

I remember when my mom told me we were moving and I couldn't tell anyone. I remember her saying we could stay then I didn't have to.

I remember when we went to the cave of wonders and I was scared so you kissed me and asked if I could do it now.

I remember when I opened the box on my 15th birthday that had my kitty in it and I have never been happier. 

I remember building a tunnel at my families cabin in the six feet of snow and jumping off the roof into the powder. 

I remember going to Applebee's with my mom everyday after kindergarten and she always got a salad with almonds on it and maybe that's why I think they look good but I can't stand the taste. 

I remember the day my sister came home with dark brown hair and the first thing my mom said was "please tell me that's not permanent" ever since then I've been scared to dye my hair.

I remember the first time I got stung by a bee. I was playing air soft and I thought my brother shot me. 

I remember sleeping at the kitchen counter because my mom said I couldn't leave until I finished all my meatloaf.

I remember when I came home from girls camp and there was an extra car seat in the back and I asked who it was for. That's when I found out we got my little sister. I remember being mad because she never asked us if we were okay with it. But now I wouldn't take it back for anything. 

I remember fasting for every neck surgery my dad has had to have. I remember in elementary when people would ask why I wasn't eating and I wouldn't want to tell them. I remember now in high school how no one questions why I'm not eating because no one does. 

I remember when my mom couldn't wake up my dad and she told me to watch the kids so she could take him to the ER. 

I remember when my dad called me just the other day and told me to go upstairs and make sure my mom was okay because she was having chest pain. My grandpa died from a heart attack and its genetic. 

I remember crying in Costa Rica on a family trip because my sisters husband swore at me. 

I remember the day my best friend since I was 6 moved away to college and we hugged for the first time. 

I remember the nightmare I had 10 years ago. I remember a man laying outside my door with a knife in hand. It's the reason I check under my bed every night. 

I remember visiting my dad in the hospital after he went cold turkey from all of his medication. I remember it not feeling like my dad. I remember every time people ask me why I don't take medicine and I remember saying its just because I don't like it, but really this is why.

I remember when the doctor said I had mono and my mom asked me how I got it. 

I remember our talk at 1 am. I remember how nothing was the same after. 

I remember when they told us my sister has cancer.

I remember when we drove around aimlessly because I didn't have to be home yet and we wanted to 

stay together as long as possible.

I remember the first time my mom told me she took depression pills. I remember feeling like she wasn't invincible.

I remember my first A- and I remember not being able to tell my parents for months.

I remember counseling. I remember the train table that I would always play at while she talked to me. I don't remember what she said, but I remember her being really nice and her name was Susan.

I remember everything. 

nelson grew up swearing at kids

my mind speaks louder

my mom is making a pie,
my brother is asking for money,
my dad is sleeping on the couch,
and my sister is torturing the dog.

so this is a letter from my heart 
because my mind is too busy.

live in the moment and don't be afraid
stop, everyones watching

live like you're dying tomorrow
you're not, so don't change anything

travel the world
ha, you don't have money

spend time with your family, pretty soon you'll be moved out
you can't go a couple days without hanging out, good try

you're perfect the way you are
you can be better, you can look better

its whats on the inside that counts
no one cares about who you are

the pie's done,
my brother got the money,
the dog got away,
and my sister woke up my dad.

my mind takes over.

they say follow your heart,

but my mind speaks louder.

xoxo caroline

havasupai

This was my favorite trip.

hiked down 13 miles, 

while camels carried our bags,

slept under the stars,

played cards in a river,

we fed squirrels,

played on a rope swing over clear water,

and helicoptered out.

I can't think of anything better.

"we never noticed the beauty because we were too busy trying to create it."

"everyone dies, but not everyone lives."

i hope i am one that lives.

i hope i'm not too busy.

xoxo caroline

sorry doesn't cut it

death is like a hot car. the heat is trapped in. you're loosing oxygen. there is nothing you can do. you eventually give up. and then you're gone. no one notices. no one finds you. not for hours at least. and when they do, they try to save you, but its too late. you're already gone and they were too late. 

everyone says it wasn't my fault but if I wouldn't have left you in there you would still be alive. If I would've remembered then I wouldn't have you on my conscious. If you would have barked, I would have heard you. but nothing. you were silent and I forgot. 

I was too busy to remember and now I'm blaming you. I'm blaming you because its easier on me that way. 

I still don't think my dad looks at me the same. he said he was more upset about me crying but I think he was just saying that. It was my fault and if I would have just remembered to go into the garage and open the door then you wouldn't be gone. 

I try to think I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't figure it out. What can I learn? It was my fault and there is no going back. You can't make something come back to life. 

then theres you, you always bring it up and i hate that. I hate that you remind me of what I've done every time i see you. I hate it.

whenever I go into that car, I am reminded of that awful day. calling my neighbor over because my parents weren't home. frantically getting a pitcher of water in hopes that might help. crying, sobbing once my neighbor told me "he has passed away." those moments are ones ill never forget. 

that moment when I finally did remember, that moment i will never forget. I was panicked. I was hopeful, at first. but I was loosing hope quickly. I was hysterical. I was guilty.

Its not always on my mind, but when someone asks about death i can't help but think of you. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what i did. 

I don't know what else to say but
sorry.

sorry doesn't cut it, but its all I've got.

xoxo caroline