sorry doesn't cut it

death is like a hot car. the heat is trapped in. you're loosing oxygen. there is nothing you can do. you eventually give up. and then you're gone. no one notices. no one finds you. not for hours at least. and when they do, they try to save you, but its too late. you're already gone and they were too late. 

everyone says it wasn't my fault but if I wouldn't have left you in there you would still be alive. If I would've remembered then I wouldn't have you on my conscious. If you would have barked, I would have heard you. but nothing. you were silent and I forgot. 

I was too busy to remember and now I'm blaming you. I'm blaming you because its easier on me that way. 

I still don't think my dad looks at me the same. he said he was more upset about me crying but I think he was just saying that. It was my fault and if I would have just remembered to go into the garage and open the door then you wouldn't be gone. 

I try to think I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't figure it out. What can I learn? It was my fault and there is no going back. You can't make something come back to life. 

then theres you, you always bring it up and i hate that. I hate that you remind me of what I've done every time i see you. I hate it.

whenever I go into that car, I am reminded of that awful day. calling my neighbor over because my parents weren't home. frantically getting a pitcher of water in hopes that might help. crying, sobbing once my neighbor told me "he has passed away." those moments are ones ill never forget. 

that moment when I finally did remember, that moment i will never forget. I was panicked. I was hopeful, at first. but I was loosing hope quickly. I was hysterical. I was guilty.

Its not always on my mind, but when someone asks about death i can't help but think of you. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what i did. 

I don't know what else to say but
sorry.

sorry doesn't cut it, but its all I've got.

xoxo caroline

maybe some day

do you trust me? then why don't you tell me anything that happens. I may not know what to say but i can sure try to help. I'll feel sorry, but i won't treat you differently because trust me I know how that feels and I don't like it. 

I want to tell you about my life, but for some reason I can't. I can't tell anyone. because you see me as perfect and I don't want that to change, but if you knew then you would know that my family, my life, me, i am not perfect. and i can assure you that i won't look at you differently and thats all i can hope from you. 

don't ask me why its so hard for me to open up to you, to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, I'm too prideful. I act like everything is fine and I come up with an excuse for everything but the truth is I'm tired. I'm tired of lying to you. I'm tired of not telling you all the truth rather. like you I don't want you to think of me differently or feel bad for me, but we have been friends for so long and I feel like you should know more about me. 

I hate the fact that i have to type it. Why can't i just talk to you, to anyone. I can't let you in. don't ask why, i just can't. you  may not even think that my life is hard, and honestly some days its not, but some days you're lucky i get myself out of bed, but i am always at school because i don't want you to suspect a thing. 

talking is difficult for me. i don't know how to start the conversation. i don't want to burden you. I don't want you to feel bad for me. despite what i say, i do feel bad for you but know i won't let that effect us. I'm sorry if this changes things. i don't know what to say. I feel like we should know each other and we don't. i mean i know your favorite animal and i could tell you everything I've ever seen you do, but thats just because I observe. i don't really know why you do the things you do or why you get mad at things you do, but thats because i don't know your story. and I'm talking about how i ask how you are doing and you laugh because its weird for your best friend to ask how your day is. or to ask if you need anything. and when you stay home sick and i bring you orange leaf because I really am trying but i don't know if it made a difference to you. 

I'm talking to a computer because i can't talk to your face. and don't take it personally because i don't talk to anyone. i can't and i don't know if i ever will. and honestly i hope that changes for that one person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with because man i am sick of keeping everything to myself. 

you ask me questions and i give you the answer you want to hear, not the truthful one because I'm too prideful to actually let you know something is wrong. 

and sometimes i feel like i have nothing to say but i could talk all day but i wouldn't want to accidentally say something that i don't want you to know so i usually just stay quiet. we have small talk, but thats it... i could tell you everything thats ever happened in my life in probably ten minutes and you might not even think anything of it, but man it would be great to get off my chest. then again i still don't know if I'm ready to tell you anything.

maybe some day.

xoxo caroline

fears control us.

I am scared of the ocean. and of fish. I am scared of spiders. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of raising my hand. and talking in class. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of college. and my ACT score. I'm scared of loosing someone close to me. I'm scared of looking stupid. I'm scared of being lied to. I'm scared of being wrong. I'm scared of drive thru's. and getting fat from going to them anyways. I'm scared of Mexicans and whether you admit it or not, you are too. I'm scared of being kidnapped. I am scared of dying. and I am scared of forever. 

fears control us. you don't go outside alone after 9:00. you check under your bed every night. you look at your phone when you walk by a group of people you don't want to acknowledge. you look at the floor so you aren't called on. you scream for your dad when you see a spider. you look the other way when you see something that makes you uncomfortable. you won't sleep in your bed for weeks after you find a spider in your room. you won't face them or maybe it's because you can't. 

I'm scared people will see through the mask I put on. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of never getting married. I'm scared of what others think. and I know I shouldn't be but I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of people judging me. 

fears control us. 

fears control us. 

the more you avoid it the scarier it gets. 

xoxo caroline

i closed the window

me and my mom are sitting on the couch.

my siblings are at my aunts house for the weekend and now we don't know what to do.

we are watching friends because its always on late at night.

we are both shivering because we are both too lazy to get off the couch and close the window.

i left my phone downstairs and my little brother isn't here to get it for me.

i've already seen this episode because they always play the same ones.

and my mom just got mad at me because i took to blanket from the dog.

          

                    .. I closed the window..

the commercial is over, and now i'm distracted. 

I like late nights with my mom.

one day I wont have these nights.

before I know it I will be moved out and we wont be able to sit on the couch and laugh at friends until 1 in the morning when we are both falling asleep. 

before I know it we wont be able to have our popcorn and orange julius (our favorite snack for just about everything) 

before I know it things will change

and who knows if they'll ever be the same.

i'll miss my mom. 

xoxo caroline

How to "fit in"

How to "fit in"

-wear the perfect clothes
-have the "cool" friends
-say the right things
-be nice, but not too nice
-take the fun classes
-have perfect skin
-be good, but have fun
-always be happy
-have the football captain as your boyfriend
-be a cheerleader
-be funny, but don't make fun
-get good grades
-be a friend to everyone

no wonder no one feels like they fit in..

xoxo caroline

are we even friends?

We may be friends on facebook
We may even like each others pics on insta,
but are we even friends?

I don't remember the last time we actually said "hi" to each other.

We avoid eye contact in the halls so we don't have to say hi.
We don't want to say the wrong thing or embarrass ourselves.
We stay in our comfort zone where its safe.

then..

We comment on each others pictures but we aren't friends.
We don't know each other.
We haven't hung out in years or maybe even ever.
But yet we still comment

"cute! <3 "

           "you're perfect"

       and

                      "holllyyyyy babbbeeee"

Fake. Fake. Fake.
WE ARENT FRIENDS!
but thanks... that made me feel good about myself even though we aren't friends.
Thank You, Thanks, Thx
We aren't friends but thanks.

thanks for making me feel like I have friends to comment on my pictures.

thanks for liking my picture because I don't know what I would've done if I didn't get enough likes on my selfie.

thanks for caring, or not caring, I'm not sure which one.

all I have to say is thanks.

thank you.

xoxo caroline

my favorite things

these are a few of my favorite things.