maybe some day

do you trust me? then why don't you tell me anything that happens. I may not know what to say but i can sure try to help. I'll feel sorry, but i won't treat you differently because trust me I know how that feels and I don't like it. 

I want to tell you about my life, but for some reason I can't. I can't tell anyone. because you see me as perfect and I don't want that to change, but if you knew then you would know that my family, my life, me, i am not perfect. and i can assure you that i won't look at you differently and thats all i can hope from you. 

don't ask me why its so hard for me to open up to you, to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, I'm too prideful. I act like everything is fine and I come up with an excuse for everything but the truth is I'm tired. I'm tired of lying to you. I'm tired of not telling you all the truth rather. like you I don't want you to think of me differently or feel bad for me, but we have been friends for so long and I feel like you should know more about me. 

I hate the fact that i have to type it. Why can't i just talk to you, to anyone. I can't let you in. don't ask why, i just can't. you  may not even think that my life is hard, and honestly some days its not, but some days you're lucky i get myself out of bed, but i am always at school because i don't want you to suspect a thing. 

talking is difficult for me. i don't know how to start the conversation. i don't want to burden you. I don't want you to feel bad for me. despite what i say, i do feel bad for you but know i won't let that effect us. I'm sorry if this changes things. i don't know what to say. I feel like we should know each other and we don't. i mean i know your favorite animal and i could tell you everything I've ever seen you do, but thats just because I observe. i don't really know why you do the things you do or why you get mad at things you do, but thats because i don't know your story. and I'm talking about how i ask how you are doing and you laugh because its weird for your best friend to ask how your day is. or to ask if you need anything. and when you stay home sick and i bring you orange leaf because I really am trying but i don't know if it made a difference to you. 

I'm talking to a computer because i can't talk to your face. and don't take it personally because i don't talk to anyone. i can't and i don't know if i ever will. and honestly i hope that changes for that one person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with because man i am sick of keeping everything to myself. 

you ask me questions and i give you the answer you want to hear, not the truthful one because I'm too prideful to actually let you know something is wrong. 

and sometimes i feel like i have nothing to say but i could talk all day but i wouldn't want to accidentally say something that i don't want you to know so i usually just stay quiet. we have small talk, but thats it... i could tell you everything thats ever happened in my life in probably ten minutes and you might not even think anything of it, but man it would be great to get off my chest. then again i still don't know if I'm ready to tell you anything.

maybe some day.

xoxo caroline