death is like a hot car. the heat is trapped in. you're loosing oxygen. there is nothing you can do. you eventually give up. and then you're gone. no one notices. no one finds you. not for hours at least. and when they do, they try to save you, but its too late. you're already gone and they were too late.
everyone says it wasn't my fault but if I wouldn't have left you in there you would still be alive. If I would've remembered then I wouldn't have you on my conscious. If you would have barked, I would have heard you. but nothing. you were silent and I forgot.
I was too busy to remember and now I'm blaming you. I'm blaming you because its easier on me that way.
I still don't think my dad looks at me the same. he said he was more upset about me crying but I think he was just saying that. It was my fault and if I would have just remembered to go into the garage and open the door then you wouldn't be gone.
I try to think I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't figure it out. What can I learn? It was my fault and there is no going back. You can't make something come back to life.
then theres you, you always bring it up and i hate that. I hate that you remind me of what I've done every time i see you. I hate it.
whenever I go into that car, I am reminded of that awful day. calling my neighbor over because my parents weren't home. frantically getting a pitcher of water in hopes that might help. crying, sobbing once my neighbor told me "he has passed away." those moments are ones ill never forget.
that moment when I finally did remember, that moment i will never forget. I was panicked. I was hopeful, at first. but I was loosing hope quickly. I was hysterical. I was guilty.
Its not always on my mind, but when someone asks about death i can't help but think of you. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what i did.
I don't know what else to say but
sorry.
sorry doesn't cut it, but its all I've got.
xoxo caroline
I felt it. I felt your heart. The Feelings that you put into this. It hit me hard. I'm so sorry! I feel like I need to do something, but there is nothing I can do, except write. The thing about life, is that crap happens. It honestly hurts. I am sorry that you went through that kind of experience-Death. I have not had the experience of death in my life that I can remember. Don't blame your self. Death is part of life. It happens. You will see him again :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I'm not very good at comforting people. And I know that this will sound sucky but just hear me out. I know this sounds cliche but. "we are all human.": We've all heard this line a thousand times and if you are like me you started to roll your eyes when people tell you that it means it's not your fault. And nothing we say will ever make it go away. At least not completely. But I hope this helps. Your dog knows that you didn't intend for it to die and it knows that you did the best you could in its last moments to try and help. And it knows that you care. Even though it may have been your fault it happened your dog would never blame you. And instead of beating yourself up over it I know your dog would want you to be happy. I feel really bad using "it" while talking about your dog but I don't know it's name or gender so I hope you can forgive me. And this is the end of my novel. I'm sorry it was so long. And my apology is making it even longer.
ReplyDeletePs the emotions in this were so strong i couldn't help but comment. I loved it to pieces but wanted to cry at the same time
This is the worst thing I've ever read. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you.