This is me.

This is it. 

This is me. 

I remember starting the semester and having to choose a pen name. I remember not wanting to tell anyone what I chose because I thought it was stupid so I changed it. 

I remember spending all my spare time reading the blogs but that shortly faded as people stopped caring and as I became too busy. I remember writing my posts the day they were assigned rather then the day they were due and they were always so much better.

I really like this class and if you really knew me then that would come as a surprise because I've always hated English classes. 

If you really knew me you would know I'm picky. And you would know how I hate the question "do you play sports?" 

You would know my friends call me mom. I don't know if that's a good thing or not but they say it's because I'm responsible. I say I hate it but secretly I like it. It shows how much they think of me. I'll probably never say that again, but thank you. Thank you for caring. 

If you really knew me you would know that I'm shy, I hate talking in class, and I hate people reading what I write, but this class made me do all of this and I loved it  

If you really knew me you would know my sister was diagnosed with Leukemia in March. You would know that she's only 4 and you would know that she is why I chose my name. She is my inspiration. 

If you really knew me you would know how hard it is for me to open up. 

Even if you knew me you wouldn't know my family is struggling financially. You wouldn't know why I can't have sleepovers. And you wouldn't know why I care so much because I don't even know. 

You wouldn't know because I don't tell anyone. 

I guess you know now. 

You might know that my dad has chronic pain and we can't figure out why. You might even know that I have a birthmark on my left arm. If you were wondering, it isn't a burn. 

So, let me reintroduce myself. 

Hi, I'm Samantha Raven 

Now you know the real me. 

This is me. 

Oh and Nelson,

thanks for the memories. This class has inspired me to be better. 

xoxo caroline 

I remember everything

I remember when my mom told me we were moving and I couldn't tell anyone. I remember her saying we could stay then I didn't have to.

I remember when we went to the cave of wonders and I was scared so you kissed me and asked if I could do it now.

I remember when I opened the box on my 15th birthday that had my kitty in it and I have never been happier. 

I remember building a tunnel at my families cabin in the six feet of snow and jumping off the roof into the powder. 

I remember going to Applebee's with my mom everyday after kindergarten and she always got a salad with almonds on it and maybe that's why I think they look good but I can't stand the taste. 

I remember the day my sister came home with dark brown hair and the first thing my mom said was "please tell me that's not permanent" ever since then I've been scared to dye my hair.

I remember the first time I got stung by a bee. I was playing air soft and I thought my brother shot me. 

I remember sleeping at the kitchen counter because my mom said I couldn't leave until I finished all my meatloaf.

I remember when I came home from girls camp and there was an extra car seat in the back and I asked who it was for. That's when I found out we got my little sister. I remember being mad because she never asked us if we were okay with it. But now I wouldn't take it back for anything. 

I remember fasting for every neck surgery my dad has had to have. I remember in elementary when people would ask why I wasn't eating and I wouldn't want to tell them. I remember now in high school how no one questions why I'm not eating because no one does. 

I remember when my mom couldn't wake up my dad and she told me to watch the kids so she could take him to the ER. 

I remember when my dad called me just the other day and told me to go upstairs and make sure my mom was okay because she was having chest pain. My grandpa died from a heart attack and its genetic. 

I remember crying in Costa Rica on a family trip because my sisters husband swore at me. 

I remember the day my best friend since I was 6 moved away to college and we hugged for the first time. 

I remember the nightmare I had 10 years ago. I remember a man laying outside my door with a knife in hand. It's the reason I check under my bed every night. 

I remember visiting my dad in the hospital after he went cold turkey from all of his medication. I remember it not feeling like my dad. I remember every time people ask me why I don't take medicine and I remember saying its just because I don't like it, but really this is why.

I remember when the doctor said I had mono and my mom asked me how I got it. 

I remember our talk at 1 am. I remember how nothing was the same after. 

I remember when they told us my sister has cancer.

I remember when we drove around aimlessly because I didn't have to be home yet and we wanted to 

stay together as long as possible.

I remember the first time my mom told me she took depression pills. I remember feeling like she wasn't invincible.

I remember my first A- and I remember not being able to tell my parents for months.

I remember counseling. I remember the train table that I would always play at while she talked to me. I don't remember what she said, but I remember her being really nice and her name was Susan.

I remember everything. 

nelson grew up swearing at kids

my mind speaks louder

my mom is making a pie,
my brother is asking for money,
my dad is sleeping on the couch,
and my sister is torturing the dog.

so this is a letter from my heart 
because my mind is too busy.

live in the moment and don't be afraid
stop, everyones watching

live like you're dying tomorrow
you're not, so don't change anything

travel the world
ha, you don't have money

spend time with your family, pretty soon you'll be moved out
you can't go a couple days without hanging out, good try

you're perfect the way you are
you can be better, you can look better

its whats on the inside that counts
no one cares about who you are

the pie's done,
my brother got the money,
the dog got away,
and my sister woke up my dad.

my mind takes over.

they say follow your heart,

but my mind speaks louder.

xoxo caroline

havasupai

This was my favorite trip.

hiked down 13 miles, 

while camels carried our bags,

slept under the stars,

played cards in a river,

we fed squirrels,

played on a rope swing over clear water,

and helicoptered out.

I can't think of anything better.

"we never noticed the beauty because we were too busy trying to create it."

"everyone dies, but not everyone lives."

i hope i am one that lives.

i hope i'm not too busy.

xoxo caroline

sorry doesn't cut it

death is like a hot car. the heat is trapped in. you're loosing oxygen. there is nothing you can do. you eventually give up. and then you're gone. no one notices. no one finds you. not for hours at least. and when they do, they try to save you, but its too late. you're already gone and they were too late. 

everyone says it wasn't my fault but if I wouldn't have left you in there you would still be alive. If I would've remembered then I wouldn't have you on my conscious. If you would have barked, I would have heard you. but nothing. you were silent and I forgot. 

I was too busy to remember and now I'm blaming you. I'm blaming you because its easier on me that way. 

I still don't think my dad looks at me the same. he said he was more upset about me crying but I think he was just saying that. It was my fault and if I would have just remembered to go into the garage and open the door then you wouldn't be gone. 

I try to think I'm supposed to learn something from this, but I can't figure it out. What can I learn? It was my fault and there is no going back. You can't make something come back to life. 

then theres you, you always bring it up and i hate that. I hate that you remind me of what I've done every time i see you. I hate it.

whenever I go into that car, I am reminded of that awful day. calling my neighbor over because my parents weren't home. frantically getting a pitcher of water in hopes that might help. crying, sobbing once my neighbor told me "he has passed away." those moments are ones ill never forget. 

that moment when I finally did remember, that moment i will never forget. I was panicked. I was hopeful, at first. but I was loosing hope quickly. I was hysterical. I was guilty.

Its not always on my mind, but when someone asks about death i can't help but think of you. and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what i did. 

I don't know what else to say but
sorry.

sorry doesn't cut it, but its all I've got.

xoxo caroline

maybe some day

do you trust me? then why don't you tell me anything that happens. I may not know what to say but i can sure try to help. I'll feel sorry, but i won't treat you differently because trust me I know how that feels and I don't like it. 

I want to tell you about my life, but for some reason I can't. I can't tell anyone. because you see me as perfect and I don't want that to change, but if you knew then you would know that my family, my life, me, i am not perfect. and i can assure you that i won't look at you differently and thats all i can hope from you. 

don't ask me why its so hard for me to open up to you, to anyone. I can't talk to anyone, I'm too prideful. I act like everything is fine and I come up with an excuse for everything but the truth is I'm tired. I'm tired of lying to you. I'm tired of not telling you all the truth rather. like you I don't want you to think of me differently or feel bad for me, but we have been friends for so long and I feel like you should know more about me. 

I hate the fact that i have to type it. Why can't i just talk to you, to anyone. I can't let you in. don't ask why, i just can't. you  may not even think that my life is hard, and honestly some days its not, but some days you're lucky i get myself out of bed, but i am always at school because i don't want you to suspect a thing. 

talking is difficult for me. i don't know how to start the conversation. i don't want to burden you. I don't want you to feel bad for me. despite what i say, i do feel bad for you but know i won't let that effect us. I'm sorry if this changes things. i don't know what to say. I feel like we should know each other and we don't. i mean i know your favorite animal and i could tell you everything I've ever seen you do, but thats just because I observe. i don't really know why you do the things you do or why you get mad at things you do, but thats because i don't know your story. and I'm talking about how i ask how you are doing and you laugh because its weird for your best friend to ask how your day is. or to ask if you need anything. and when you stay home sick and i bring you orange leaf because I really am trying but i don't know if it made a difference to you. 

I'm talking to a computer because i can't talk to your face. and don't take it personally because i don't talk to anyone. i can't and i don't know if i ever will. and honestly i hope that changes for that one person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with because man i am sick of keeping everything to myself. 

you ask me questions and i give you the answer you want to hear, not the truthful one because I'm too prideful to actually let you know something is wrong. 

and sometimes i feel like i have nothing to say but i could talk all day but i wouldn't want to accidentally say something that i don't want you to know so i usually just stay quiet. we have small talk, but thats it... i could tell you everything thats ever happened in my life in probably ten minutes and you might not even think anything of it, but man it would be great to get off my chest. then again i still don't know if I'm ready to tell you anything.

maybe some day.

xoxo caroline

fears control us.

I am scared of the ocean. and of fish. I am scared of spiders. I am scared of being alone. I am scared of raising my hand. and talking in class. I'm scared of not being good enough. I'm scared of college. and my ACT score. I'm scared of loosing someone close to me. I'm scared of looking stupid. I'm scared of being lied to. I'm scared of being wrong. I'm scared of drive thru's. and getting fat from going to them anyways. I'm scared of Mexicans and whether you admit it or not, you are too. I'm scared of being kidnapped. I am scared of dying. and I am scared of forever. 

fears control us. you don't go outside alone after 9:00. you check under your bed every night. you look at your phone when you walk by a group of people you don't want to acknowledge. you look at the floor so you aren't called on. you scream for your dad when you see a spider. you look the other way when you see something that makes you uncomfortable. you won't sleep in your bed for weeks after you find a spider in your room. you won't face them or maybe it's because you can't. 

I'm scared people will see through the mask I put on. I'm scared of heights. I'm scared of never getting married. I'm scared of what others think. and I know I shouldn't be but I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared of people judging me. 

fears control us. 

fears control us. 

the more you avoid it the scarier it gets. 

xoxo caroline

i closed the window

me and my mom are sitting on the couch.

my siblings are at my aunts house for the weekend and now we don't know what to do.

we are watching friends because its always on late at night.

we are both shivering because we are both too lazy to get off the couch and close the window.

i left my phone downstairs and my little brother isn't here to get it for me.

i've already seen this episode because they always play the same ones.

and my mom just got mad at me because i took to blanket from the dog.

          

                    .. I closed the window..

the commercial is over, and now i'm distracted. 

I like late nights with my mom.

one day I wont have these nights.

before I know it I will be moved out and we wont be able to sit on the couch and laugh at friends until 1 in the morning when we are both falling asleep. 

before I know it we wont be able to have our popcorn and orange julius (our favorite snack for just about everything) 

before I know it things will change

and who knows if they'll ever be the same.

i'll miss my mom. 

xoxo caroline

How to "fit in"

How to "fit in"

-wear the perfect clothes
-have the "cool" friends
-say the right things
-be nice, but not too nice
-take the fun classes
-have perfect skin
-be good, but have fun
-always be happy
-have the football captain as your boyfriend
-be a cheerleader
-be funny, but don't make fun
-get good grades
-be a friend to everyone

no wonder no one feels like they fit in..

xoxo caroline

are we even friends?

We may be friends on facebook
We may even like each others pics on insta,
but are we even friends?

I don't remember the last time we actually said "hi" to each other.

We avoid eye contact in the halls so we don't have to say hi.
We don't want to say the wrong thing or embarrass ourselves.
We stay in our comfort zone where its safe.

then..

We comment on each others pictures but we aren't friends.
We don't know each other.
We haven't hung out in years or maybe even ever.
But yet we still comment

"cute! <3 "

           "you're perfect"

       and

                      "holllyyyyy babbbeeee"

Fake. Fake. Fake.
WE ARENT FRIENDS!
but thanks... that made me feel good about myself even though we aren't friends.
Thank You, Thanks, Thx
We aren't friends but thanks.

thanks for making me feel like I have friends to comment on my pictures.

thanks for liking my picture because I don't know what I would've done if I didn't get enough likes on my selfie.

thanks for caring, or not caring, I'm not sure which one.

all I have to say is thanks.

thank you.

xoxo caroline

my favorite things

these are a few of my favorite things.

 

Things you'll have to look past

Things you'll have to look past:

I'm a hypocrite. 

I'll get mad easily but never stay mad long. 

I'm not perfect. 

I'm picky. 

I have to be right. 

I'm hard to please. 

I like things my way. 

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

xoxo caroline

tough as bricks

My sister got home from the hospital, after being there all day and I asked her how it was and she replied "good." I asked my mom and she said that it was one of the hardest days for her yet. 

She is only four and has already learned that it is more "acceptable" to say you're good. 

You're always "good"

If I ask someone how they are, I genuinely want to know how their day has been. I don't want the generated answer of "good". 

Why is it that we all learn to do this? and at such a young age.

We are not a caring world. No matter how hard you try to care for others, one person is not going to make the difference for the entire world. 

"From caring comes courage."     

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."        

"Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love."

"The closest thing to being cared for is to care for someone else."

We don't need to hide how we feel all of the time. 

We don't need to be "tough as bricks"

We don't need to be "good" everyday.

We can have ups and downs,

We need to have ups and downs.

We aren't as tough as bricks.

We aren't as tough as bricks.

xoxo caroline

Family Vacations.

Family vacations may seem like a good idea with little siblings but is it really worth it?

You're all cramped in a small space,

Its always loud,

Its hard to contain little kids,

It takes way too much effort to take the whole family anywhere,

There is nothing to do,

You cant escape to your room,

The question is, are the memories worth all of the struggles?

I guess once we all grow up, memories are all we have to take with us.

Memories of the good times and the bad.  

The ones that make for good stories, the ones you'll tell your kids eventually.

I remember swimming with stingrays in the Grand Cayman, but I was too scared to stay in the water more than 6 seconds, so I watched my sister get a picture with one. 

I remember playing with a baby jaguar at a zoo in Mexico because they have no laws.

I remember floating down a river through a tunnel in Hawaii with my whole family for christmas. 

I remember driving in the 120 degree car in Costa Rica because my brother-in-law wouldn't turn the A/C on.

I remember rock climbing, roller skating, the all you can eat ice cream and pizza, the flow rider, and the midnight party I never got to go to because my parents failed to wake us up for it on the cruise ship.

I remember off roading in Moab.

I remember hiking down to Havasupai, swimming in perfectly clear water all week surrounded by waterfalls, then taking a helicopter out because we were "too tired" to hike back out.

I guess the memories are worth it.

I wouldn't trade those memories for anything. 

After all, the best thing about memories is making them.

xoxo caroline

Food is Love

Waffle LUV got it right.

I can taste the love, literally.

I hope to one day find someone that makes me as happy as I am when I see the waiter bringing me my food.

There is no greater joy in life, at least not that I've experienced, than going to your favorite restaurant for the first time a months.

People are always grumpy when they haven't eaten, I think that says it all.

Diets, they never work. People are unhappy because they are denied the simple pleasure of food.

Food is Love. If you don't know what love feels like, go to Cafe Rio and get a sweet pork burrito smothered in house ranch dressing. That is love, that is life. 

yummmmmy

xoxo caroline

It demands to be felt

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."

It's hard to watch others suffer and there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them. You're not a doctor. You're not a scientist. You can't find a cure for cancer. You can't solve the puzzle hundreds of doctors have been working on for years. You just can't do it. 

You see people in pain and want to help but you can't. You may even be willing to do anything to make it so they will no longer suffer, but you don't know what to do. You can't find that one magical flower that will "heal the sick and injured." After all that only happens in fairy tales. 

All you want is for that person to not suffer. Even if it's just for one day. 

If you don't know what it feels like, consider yourself lucky. I wish I didn't. 

If I had just one wish, it would be that you would never have pain again. Because after all it demands to be felt. 

xoxo caroline

Am I human?

What do any of us really know about being human? 

We only know what others have told us. 

What if everything they've told us has been a lie to protect us. 

But protect us from what? 

Who even is "they"? 

Why do we listen? 

Maybe that's all we were programmed to do. 

Listen. Follow. Repeat. 

xoxo caroline

I am not ready

college.

Its coming up for most of us.

Its stressful.

         Applications..

                  ACT scores..

                           Grades..

                                   

It’s a hard choice, where to go, what to be…

This choice determines my future,

I have to choose right.

What happens if I hate my major?

I mean I can always change it but then aren’t I just wasting time?

Who do I go with?

         My BFF from high school?

                  Or find new friends when I get there?

Out of state? Or stay close to home?

And how do I even expect to pay for college?

How do I know what I want to be for he rest of my life at the age of 17?

And don’t even get me started on college applications.

Stress.Stress. Stress.

help me..

College is closer than we think.

I am not ready.

But man am I excited.

xoxo caroline 

You could say I had a great childhood

I am scared to go into friends parents bedrooms because my best friends parents growing up would get mad at me for going into theirs. 

I don't come unannounced because I was taught to be polite and respectful. 

I am scared of doing a peanut roll on the tramp because when I was little I fell off the tramp doing one. And we would put the hose on the tramp, lay underneath it and pretend it was raining.

I've always been a picky eater. Meatloaf is, how can I say this nicely, vomit. I wasn't allowed to leave the table until my food was gone. Let's just say I slept at the table more times then I can count. 

I have a box with drawers in it that I got as a child and each drawer has something in it that I saved as a child and for some reason, I still can't get rid of it. 

I remember sharing a room with my sister and we hated it then when we were separated, I would ask to sleep in her room. We would fight and get sent to our rooms then sit in our doorway and whisper across the hall. We never could stay mad at each other.

Once we found a garden snake in our backyard and we played on the tramp with it for hours. 

We would catch spiders and feed them bugs. Even though they never ate them we still liked to pretend. 

I had a "play room" in my old room upstairs (now it's just like a walkin closet) and we would play house.

My room was painted like a garden with a swing hanging from a tree. 

I remember playing 4-square everyday at recess and always having blisters on my hands from the monkey bars.

I would stay in the bathroom during recess when it was cold outside because we weren't allowed inside. 

The best day was when you had a sticker under your sandwich at lunch and you won the huge, frosted cookie with sprinkles.

The worst day was 4th grade field day.. That's the day my dog "T" died. He was 11 and we had to put him to sleep. We had him my entire life and I'll never forget missing most of field day. That was the best day of the year. 

I had clogs that I wore everyday. They were disgusting and ugly. My mom finally had to throw them away while I was at school and I cried cuz I loved them. 

I would wake up early so I could watch Clifford before I went to school. 

Me and my two friends would do everything together. None of us were in the same grade but that didn't matter. Now they are both in college, we don't talk much now, but I will always remember growing up with them. 

I wish I could go back to being worry and care free. Those were the days. 

You could say I had a great childhood. 
One to remember.

xoxo caroline